Brandied Cranberries

2 Cups sugar

½ cup water

1 cinnamon stick

1 pound cranberries, washed

½ thin skinned orange, finely chopped, including rind

½ cup brandy or cognac

A few whole cloves

In a heavy, 2-quart saucepan, combine sugar and water. Boil 3 minutes, and don’t stir.

Add cloves, cinnamon, cranberries, and orange.

Cook over low heat, stirring, 4-5 minutes or till cranberries pop.

Remove from heat, stir in brandy, and let cool.

Take out cloves and cinnamon, then pack cranberries into containers and refrigerate.

Turturken

It’s a fitting name because it’s similar to turducken but without the duck. And, really, without stuffing whole birds inside other whole birds. There are no whole birds involved. But that’s what makes it easy.

Food you’ll need:
12 ounces chicken- or turkey sausage
1.5 cups pumpkin seeds, shelled (also sold as “pepitas”)
7 tablespoons butter
3 slices turkey bacon
6 ounces ground turkey
1 large onion
1/2 cup grated parmesan or romano cheese
1.5 tablespoons fresh rosemary (or 1/2 tablespoon dried rosemary)
1.5 tablespoons fresh sage (or 1/2 tablespoon dried sage)
3 lightly beaten eggs
1 skinless, boneless turkey breast (sometimes sold as “turkey London broil”)
1.5 cups chicken broth
1.5 cups dry white wine

Tools you’ll need:
Oven
Microwave
Stove
Skillet
Knives
Measuring cups & spoons
Fork
Spatula
Cutting board
Oven mitts and potholders
Casserole dish or roasting pan (about 12” x 9”)
Smaller casserole dish or roasting pan (9” x 9” or 9” x 6”)
Cheese grater (unless your cheese is pre-grated)
Big microwave-safe bowl or dish
Small bowl for beating eggs
Plastic wrap
Meat tenderizer or mallet
Butcher’s twine, skewers, or toothpicks
Meat thermometer
Baster

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

In the big microwave-safe bowl, melt one tablespoon of the butter. When it’s melted, arrange the pumpkin seeds (shelled, remember) in the bowl and toss a little to coat them with the butter. Spread them out evenly. Microwave on high for seven minutes, stopping at two-minute intervals to toss them around so they cook evenly.

Lay out your sausages and poke holes in them in a few places with a fork. Then arrange them on your smaller casserole dish and bake in the oven for 15 minutes. Take them out, let them cool, and pump the temperature up to 450 degrees.

Chop the onion, bacon, rosemary, and sage finely. Keep the rosemary and sage separate from the onion and bacon. Obviously skip the rosemary and sage part if you are using dried herbs.

In your skillet over medium heat on the stove, melt the remaining six tablespoons of butter. When it’s liquid, add the onion, bacon, pumpkin seeds, and ground turkey. With the spatula, stir it all up so it is mixed together nicely. Break apart the ground turkey. Let this mixture cook for maybe ten minutes. It’s done when the onions are tender and golden.

Meanwhile, slice the cooked, cooled sausage thinly. If you haven’t already, grate the cheese and beat the eggs.

When the onion-seed-meat mixture is done, remove it from the heat, stir it up, and let it cool.

Lay out your turkey breast on a cutting board. The goal is for it to be big and flat, about a half inch thick all over. It is probably thicker in places at the start, so here’s how to deal with that: Take a big, sharp knife and cut sideways into the thickest part of the turkey, making sure not to cut all the way through. Fold this part over and lay the meat out flat. If there are any other big, thick places that look like they could use the old cut-and-fold, give them the same treatment. Then cover the turkey with a piece of plastic wrap. Wielding the meat tenderizer, whack the meat through the plastic wrap repeatedly, hard, all over, until it thins out to a half inch all around. It might help to stop halfway through and flip it. This takes a little while, but is satisfying in a sadistic way.

Mix the sliced sausage, grated cheese, beaten eggs, and chopped rosemary and sage into the onion-seed-meat mixture, tossing it all around until it is evenly mixed.

Spread this stuffing out over the entire surface of the turkey. If you have some left over, that’s okay. Roll up the turkey, with the stuffing, jellyroll style. This means starting at the bottom of the long end and rolling once, then tucking in the sides, rolling up once more, tucking in the sides once more, and so forth until it is all rolled up. It is okay if the stuffing squeezes out a little bit. Secure the roll together with the twine or with skewers or toothpicks. Put this stuffed turkey in the larger casserole dish or roasting pan and spoon whatever leftover stuffing you have around the outside of it.

Now collect your wine and chicken broth. If you need to make chicken broth, just boil 1.5 cups of water and 1.5 or 2 cubes or packets of chicken bouillon. Pour the broth and then the wine evenly over the turkey into the casserole dish.

Put this in the oven and bake it at 450 for 50 minutes, or until your meat thermometer, properly stuck into the bird, tells you that the internal temperature is at least 165 degrees. At ten-minute intervals while it is cooking, open the oven, suck up some of the juices with your baster, and squirt this over the top of the turkey to keep it moist.

When you take the dish out of the oven, remove the turkey from the dish to a cutting board, remove the skewers or twine and let it cool for ten minutes. Then slice it up and have at it. May I recommend the garlic mashers as a side?

The Good Reverend's Crumby Apple Pie?!

It's so good it deserves an interrobang to express the sheer shock (?) and awe (!) that are its persistent helpmates.

You'll need the following foodstuffs, most of which you probably already have:

* 3 golden delicious apples (granny Smith will also do nicely)
* 2 cups flour
* 3/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
* 3/4 cup uncooked regular oats (oatmeal, yo)
* 1/2 tablespoon of salt
* 3/4 cup butter (1.5 sticks)
* Some shortening or cooking oil
* 1/3 cup sugar
* 1.5 teaspoons cornstarch
* 1/8 teaspoon salt
* 1/4 cup water
* 1/2 vanilla extract


You'll also need these kitchen tools:

* Sharp knife
* Cutting board
* 9-inch pie tin
* Small sauce pan
* Measuring cups
* Mixing bowl
* Mixing spoon
* Mixing music
* Other bowl
* Oven
* Oven mitt
* Stove
* Aluminum foil


Start by setting the oven to 350 degrees. Then let's rock:

* Cut the cores out of the apples, then cut the apples into slices as thin as possible. Don't hurt yourself, and ask your mom for help. Put all the slices in a bowl.
* Put your 3/4 cup of butter in a microwave-safe bowl and nuke it on low for a minute, or however long it takes to fully liquefy.
* In your mixing bowl, combine the four ingredients below the apples (flour, brown sugar, oats, and 1/2 tablespoon of salt). Use your spoon to mix it all up.
* Take the melted butter out of the microwave and slowly pour it over this oat-flour mixture. Then mix it all together. You can use the spoon you were just using, or a whisk, or what I used: hands. Hands are good for this sort of thing, so long as you wash them first. Keep mixing until everything is blended.
* Measure out one firmly packed cup of this oat-flour-butter mixture. Set that aside for later. What will we do with it? You'll see.
* Grease your pie tin well, using either shortening or cooking oil. Then dump your oat-flour-butter mixture (minus that one cup you set aside) into it. Press the stuff hard into the bottom and up the sides of the pie tin until it forms one relatively uniform crust.
* Now arrange all the apple slices in this crust. Lay them flat and spread them evenly.
* In your small sauce pan, mix together the sugar, cornstarch, and 1/8 teaspoon of salt. Then stir in the water. Stick this on the stove over medium heat until it starts to boil. Have your pie nearby, and have that 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract ready.
* As soon as this stuff boils, pour the vanilla in the sauce pan, turn off the heat, and drizzle this hot mixture (or is it a solution? Only your high school chemistry teacher knows.) over the apples evenly.
* Remember that cup of oat-flour-butter stuff you set aside? Grab it and throw it into the now-empty mixing bowl. Take a little bit of it at a time in your hands and crumble it over the top of the pie. By the time you've used it all, you shouldn't be able to see apples anymore, just crumbly cover-crust.
* Is your oven at 350 degrees yet? Good. Put the pie in the center of it and set the timer for 27 minutes. In the meantime, cut off a square of aluminum foil that is slightly bigger than the surface of your pie. Out of the center of it, cut a circle that is slightly smaller than the surface of your pie—maybe half an inch smaller all around.
* When the timer goes off, pull out the pie. Being careful not to burn yourself too badly, place this center-less square of aluminum over the top of your pie so that it covers the outer edges but leaves the center of the pie exposed. Fold the corners of it over so it stays attached to the pie tin. Don't burn yourself!
* Put the pie back in the over (still 350 degrees, I hope) for another 15 minutes. When that timer goes off, pull the pie out. It is done, and all you have to do is wait for it to cool, if you want, before you can eat it. Good job.

Mrs. Good Reverend's Groin-Grabbingly Good Garlic Mashers

“They’re groin-grabbingly good!”


Food-style products you will need:

3 pounds of your favorite type of potato (which is usually whichever one happens to be in your fridge)

10 cloves of garlic

1 bay leaf

1 teaspoon salt

2 tablespoons butter

3 tablespoons milk

Plus however much salt and pepper strikes your taste buds’ fancy

Hardware:

Knives

Measuring spoons

Large pot

Cutting board

Stove

Mixing bowl, if you got it.

Electric mixer (or potato masher) (or hipboots and a grape vat a la I Love Lucy)

Time to shape your stuff:

Wash the potatoes. You’ve really got to scrub potatoes, because they are dirty, because they live in the ground. On the other hand, as a wise man once said, “God made dirt; dirt don’t hurt.”

Leave the skins on. This is key. Just trust me.

Cut them into quasicube-shaped objects, roughly 1” x 1” x 1”. Stick them in the large pot.

Peel the 10 cloves of garlic. Lest you get confused, a clove of garlic is the little thumbdigit-sized wedge that breaks off, not the whole fist-sized hunk. Ten is really a guideline. Mrs. Good Reverend, clearly inspired by Nigel Tufnel, recommends going to 11. Throw them all in the pot with the potatoes.

Get your stuff working:

Add to the pot the bay leaf and the teaspoon of salt. Then pour enough water in to just barely cover the potatoes.

Stick it on the stove and cover it. Turn the burner up to high until the water boils, and then back it off to low.

Simmer for 10-15 minutes, or however long it takes to make the potatoes tender. Tender is what potatoes feel like when you poke them with a fork and you think to yourself “yeah, you know, I think I could mash this.”

Are they tender now? Good. Drain the pot, either by dumping it into a strainer (make sure it’s big enough) or by holding the lid while you tip it and let the water pour into the sink.

Rock and roll:

Find the bay leaf and discard it. It’s done its job. Goodbye, little leaf.

Now, if you’ve got a mixing bowl, put everything in that. If not, we can do this in the pot, but it’s not as nice.

Add the butter and the milk to the potatoes and start mashing. If you’re using a hand masher, just keep mashing. If you’re using an electric mixer, make sure it’s on low. Mash everything until it’s nice and mashed—like, whatever consistency you want, that’s all you have to do. If you want to add some more milk, add more milk. If you want to add some salt and pepper, add some salt and pepper. If you want to add some chocolate, go ahead, but I’d advise against it.

There you go, my man. Stick it in a bowl and serve it.