Mrs. Good Reverend's Groin-Grabbingly Good Garlic Mashers

“They’re groin-grabbingly good!”


Food-style products you will need:

3 pounds of your favorite type of potato (which is usually whichever one happens to be in your fridge)

10 cloves of garlic

1 bay leaf

1 teaspoon salt

2 tablespoons butter

3 tablespoons milk

Plus however much salt and pepper strikes your taste buds’ fancy

Hardware:

Knives

Measuring spoons

Large pot

Cutting board

Stove

Mixing bowl, if you got it.

Electric mixer (or potato masher) (or hipboots and a grape vat a la I Love Lucy)

Time to shape your stuff:

Wash the potatoes. You’ve really got to scrub potatoes, because they are dirty, because they live in the ground. On the other hand, as a wise man once said, “God made dirt; dirt don’t hurt.”

Leave the skins on. This is key. Just trust me.

Cut them into quasicube-shaped objects, roughly 1” x 1” x 1”. Stick them in the large pot.

Peel the 10 cloves of garlic. Lest you get confused, a clove of garlic is the little thumbdigit-sized wedge that breaks off, not the whole fist-sized hunk. Ten is really a guideline. Mrs. Good Reverend, clearly inspired by Nigel Tufnel, recommends going to 11. Throw them all in the pot with the potatoes.

Get your stuff working:

Add to the pot the bay leaf and the teaspoon of salt. Then pour enough water in to just barely cover the potatoes.

Stick it on the stove and cover it. Turn the burner up to high until the water boils, and then back it off to low.

Simmer for 10-15 minutes, or however long it takes to make the potatoes tender. Tender is what potatoes feel like when you poke them with a fork and you think to yourself “yeah, you know, I think I could mash this.”

Are they tender now? Good. Drain the pot, either by dumping it into a strainer (make sure it’s big enough) or by holding the lid while you tip it and let the water pour into the sink.

Rock and roll:

Find the bay leaf and discard it. It’s done its job. Goodbye, little leaf.

Now, if you’ve got a mixing bowl, put everything in that. If not, we can do this in the pot, but it’s not as nice.

Add the butter and the milk to the potatoes and start mashing. If you’re using a hand masher, just keep mashing. If you’re using an electric mixer, make sure it’s on low. Mash everything until it’s nice and mashed—like, whatever consistency you want, that’s all you have to do. If you want to add some more milk, add more milk. If you want to add some salt and pepper, add some salt and pepper. If you want to add some chocolate, go ahead, but I’d advise against it.

There you go, my man. Stick it in a bowl and serve it.