The Good Reverend's Crumby Apple Pie?!

It's so good it deserves an interrobang to express the sheer shock (?) and awe (!) that are its persistent helpmates.

You'll need the following foodstuffs, most of which you probably already have:

* 3 golden delicious apples (granny Smith will also do nicely)
* 2 cups flour
* 3/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
* 3/4 cup uncooked regular oats (oatmeal, yo)
* 1/2 tablespoon of salt
* 3/4 cup butter (1.5 sticks)
* Some shortening or cooking oil
* 1/3 cup sugar
* 1.5 teaspoons cornstarch
* 1/8 teaspoon salt
* 1/4 cup water
* 1/2 vanilla extract


You'll also need these kitchen tools:

* Sharp knife
* Cutting board
* 9-inch pie tin
* Small sauce pan
* Measuring cups
* Mixing bowl
* Mixing spoon
* Mixing music
* Other bowl
* Oven
* Oven mitt
* Stove
* Aluminum foil


Start by setting the oven to 350 degrees. Then let's rock:

* Cut the cores out of the apples, then cut the apples into slices as thin as possible. Don't hurt yourself, and ask your mom for help. Put all the slices in a bowl.
* Put your 3/4 cup of butter in a microwave-safe bowl and nuke it on low for a minute, or however long it takes to fully liquefy.
* In your mixing bowl, combine the four ingredients below the apples (flour, brown sugar, oats, and 1/2 tablespoon of salt). Use your spoon to mix it all up.
* Take the melted butter out of the microwave and slowly pour it over this oat-flour mixture. Then mix it all together. You can use the spoon you were just using, or a whisk, or what I used: hands. Hands are good for this sort of thing, so long as you wash them first. Keep mixing until everything is blended.
* Measure out one firmly packed cup of this oat-flour-butter mixture. Set that aside for later. What will we do with it? You'll see.
* Grease your pie tin well, using either shortening or cooking oil. Then dump your oat-flour-butter mixture (minus that one cup you set aside) into it. Press the stuff hard into the bottom and up the sides of the pie tin until it forms one relatively uniform crust.
* Now arrange all the apple slices in this crust. Lay them flat and spread them evenly.
* In your small sauce pan, mix together the sugar, cornstarch, and 1/8 teaspoon of salt. Then stir in the water. Stick this on the stove over medium heat until it starts to boil. Have your pie nearby, and have that 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract ready.
* As soon as this stuff boils, pour the vanilla in the sauce pan, turn off the heat, and drizzle this hot mixture (or is it a solution? Only your high school chemistry teacher knows.) over the apples evenly.
* Remember that cup of oat-flour-butter stuff you set aside? Grab it and throw it into the now-empty mixing bowl. Take a little bit of it at a time in your hands and crumble it over the top of the pie. By the time you've used it all, you shouldn't be able to see apples anymore, just crumbly cover-crust.
* Is your oven at 350 degrees yet? Good. Put the pie in the center of it and set the timer for 27 minutes. In the meantime, cut off a square of aluminum foil that is slightly bigger than the surface of your pie. Out of the center of it, cut a circle that is slightly smaller than the surface of your pie—maybe half an inch smaller all around.
* When the timer goes off, pull out the pie. Being careful not to burn yourself too badly, place this center-less square of aluminum over the top of your pie so that it covers the outer edges but leaves the center of the pie exposed. Fold the corners of it over so it stays attached to the pie tin. Don't burn yourself!
* Put the pie back in the over (still 350 degrees, I hope) for another 15 minutes. When that timer goes off, pull the pie out. It is done, and all you have to do is wait for it to cool, if you want, before you can eat it. Good job.